Feeling Bad About Leaving Your Bible At Home When You Go On Vacation
(John Crist is a stand up comedian. He’s a professional funny person. He just opened up for Louie Anderson out in Vegas. And today he’s sharing an awesome, hilarious guest post. Enjoy)
I just booked my flight home for Christmas. Things are already starting to get awkward between me and my Bible.
You see, my Bible and I have the relationship of a typical church couple. In public, we get along like feltboard Joseph and Mary. But when it’s just us, we feud like Christians and anyone who opposes Glen Beck.
Every time I go out of town the same mental exchange happens. He wants to go with me, I don’t have room in my bag.
I typically goes something like this…
“You might need me,” my Bible says. “What if the person sitting next to you on the plane asks about the Roman Road?”
“Yeah,” I argue sarcastically. “And when we’re all watching the game at the bar and the John 3:16 sign pops up behind the goal post some drunk guy is gonna yell out, ‘HEY! Pause this game! What does John 3:16 actually say? Does anyone have a Bible?’”
“Stop mocking me. You’re gonna leave me here ALL weekend,” he responds, “with Mere Christianity and Every Man’s Battle?”
“Its only three days,” I say. “Plus, everyone know that Christians don’t do devotions on Sundays…so technically, its only two days.”
“Wait,” he asks surprised. “Christians don’t do devotions on Sundays?!
“No, its kind of an unspoken free pass. We figure going to church counts as our devotions.” I say, then pausing awkwardly. “I mean, I’ll write a guest post for Stuff Christians Like and ask all the other Christians what they do…but I’m pretty sure that’s pretty standard.”
I keep packing, refusing to make eye contact.
“Here’s the deal,” I say honestly, “I usually bring you along for the same reasons I keep the Christian stations preset in my car radio. I never listen to them but I feel like my car will spontaneously explode Mission Impossible style if I substitute “Safe for the Whole family” for “Denver’s #1 Party station.”
“No one will even notice me,” he pleads. “I’ve done everything I can in the last couple years to disguise myself so no one else knows I’m actually a Bible.”
I confess. “Its not just about this trip. I’ve been avoiding you like a church acquaintance who’s just joined a pyramid scheme.”
“We’ve been together for 17 years, I should be at toothbrush status by now!” he says, “Never spend the night somewhere without it.”
“Yeah,” I sigh, “but you’re more like towel status. I assume the place I’m going will have one.”
“Oh, I see where your heart is,” he says, like he knows something I don’t.
“OH! Now you gonna go all “rich young ruler” on me?!”
“I’m just sayin,” he responds calmly.
“We don’t even hang out anymore anyway!!”
“I wish we spent more time together.”
“I would, but all my Christian friends are skeptical of our relationship now anyway because when we DO hang out its always at night, they say you’re a morning person?”
“Don’t listen to them. I’m here for you whenever you need me.”
“The only time you ever want to hang out is when I’m really tired or right after I’ve done something really bad!”
I slam the door and walk out.
“Actually, one more thing,” I walk back in and grab my Bible. “I’m nervous that my roommates will see you on my nightstand and judge me because I didn’t bring you along…sooooo, I’m gonna have to put you in the sock drawer. Sorry!!!”
(For more great stuff from John, check out his Youtube page.)