Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Ranking the 7 Deadly Sins

(A few weeks ago, John Crist wrote a really good guest post calling out the lies guys sometimes tell about lust and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. It ignited a bajillion comment conversation. I got to grab coffee with him a few days after it came out and it was awesome to hear his story and learn more about his faith. He’s a professional comedian, he’s hilarious and he’s a master at finding ways to be funny without ever mocking. I’m a huge fan of John Crist. Here’s his new guest post. Enjoy!)

Ranking the Seven Deadly Sins – By John Crist

My girlfriend broke up with me three months ago. Since then, I’ve realized something profound about love.

If you love someone, let them go, if they come back…it’s only to pick up their dvds.

Truer words have never been spoken my friends.

Since the breakup, I’ve eaten out 21 meals per week. I’m at the point in life where a judge the value of fast food based on how heavy the bag is. Taco Bell’s five-pound box is awesome, and it only costs five bucks!

I figure, “I’ve been hurt, I deserve to feel good. Plus, there’s probably worse things I could be doing to deal with the pain.” Sounds like flawed thinking right? Think again.

I told my accountability group that I was legitimately struggling with food and it had become a means to deal with the pain and you know what happened?…nothing. Seriously, no one cared. The same guys the have raked me over coals for years about lust said nothing, which got me thinking…

Wait, have gluttons been getting a free pass this whole time?!

Three months ago I thought the gluttony free pass was awesome. Now I wear jeans with an elastic waistband (and a braided belt (unrelated))…and I blame my accountability group.

Apparently there’s a rank order to the Seven Deadly Sins that I didn’t know about. Based on responses I’ve gotten in my accountability group over the years, I’d like to present to you:

The Unofficial Guys Accountability Group Seven Deadly Sins Rank Order.

1. LUST: By far the most important and most deadly. If you get caught with this one you could lose your family, your job (unless you’re the president), your marriage and your influence. For me, I tried to justify my lustful tendencies by mixing and matching the five love languages. My first love language, physical gifts. My second, quality touch.

2. GREED: A distant second. Mostly because apparently only young (poor) guys need accountability. Once you hit 30, and hopefully start making serious money, you graduate from the accountability stage of Christianity. Can’t wait. Me? I’ve got a stack of Lincolns burning a hole in my pocket right now. And by stack, I mean roll.

3. ANGER: I get really ticked off when people suggest I have an anger problem. *#%$ and ^&#@!, I’m taking my Bible and I’m going home!!

4. SLOTH: Sloth came in fourth, wanted to be first but missed his alarm clock and slept in. Sloth is pretty easy to spot. If anyone in your group ever says they’re a freelance photographer or a real estate agent, that’s code for unemployed. And did you know video games are more popular than ever with men in their 30s? Their favorite game? Call of Duty: Black Ops, followed by Call of Duty: Command and Conquer. The new version that no one’s been able to beat? Call of Duty…To Your Family.

5. ENVY: The only thing I know about envy is that, in college, I may or may not have gone to local hotspot called Club Envy. The soap dispensers in the bathroom looked awesome. They may or may not now be in my bathroom…but I don’t struggle with Envy.

6. PRIDE: Comes in sixth. Struggles-with-pride guy always checks in last and says something like, “I’m just happy that I don’t struggle with lust, greed, anger, sloth or envy anymore. In fact, I can’t even remember the last time I sinned.” Amen Pride Guy, always do love hearing from you.

7. GLUTTONY: A distant dead last. No one cares about this one. When someone says they struggle with lust, we say, “You’re a FREAK man! Join a 12-step group, throw away your tv, computer and cell phone and don’t come back to group until you get your life in order!” If someone in my group ever said they struggled with gluttony I’d say, “you want to go to lunch and talk about it?”

How would you rank order the Seven Deadly Sins?

And I’m in a guys only group, is the order different for women?

(John Crist loves Jesus and is a standup comic from Denver, Colorado. See his standup and church sketches at youtube.com/user/johnbcrist)

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