Wednesday, November 04, 2015

The dreaded 11 letter M word

I would venture every woman who has ever had a positive pregnancy test is also well aware of the dreaded 11 letter M word--Miscarriage. It is a "club" no woman wishes to join. 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I have been told by countless women, the third pregnancy is the most difficult. They were right! 


My husband and I were pregnant with our third child. I was due in May, perfect for a school teacher. The pregnancy caught us by surprise and we had not told many people that we were pregnant, but of course, we were happy! I took six pregnancy tests (5 are shown); I could not believe we were pregnant!


I also tested my breast milk, it showed a positive pregnancy test too.


I wanted to tell my parents in a fun way. With my first two, I "had" to tell them very early on, as I was running full marathons. Reality is, my fun pregnancy announcement, became a miscarriage announcement. 
This was physically my toughest pregnancy. I was nauseated all day long, especially at night. I hardly ate, rarely ate dinner, and I lost 6 lbs, due to nausea, even though, I was never "sick." I was exhausted, and I went to sleep, as soon as RC3 and AJ went down.

At 8 weeks 3 days, I started spotting. I knew something wasn't right, but I also knew I couldn't change it. God is in control. At 9 weeks 3 days, I went to my first OBGYN appt to get my ultrasound and blood work confirming the pregnancy. Instead, I had an ultrasound that showed no heartbeat. I wish they would have given me that ultrasound picture. (They were able to give it to me at my following appointment, they had saved a picture!)


I felt as though the pregnancy was not real, there was no validation, just sticks I had peed on,weight that had been lost, lots of exhaustion, and a whole bunch of nausea.

That first appointment was long, difficult, and scary. I felt so alone and confused. Would the doctor recommended a D&C, would he say there was something wrong with me; that day was miserably lonely. I could cling to one person, and one person only, Jesus Christ. He gave me the strength and endurance that I needed that day, that moment, and he continues to each and everyday.

Thankfully, my doctor recommended that I pass our baby naturally. He said it could happen in one hour or in 3 weeks. My doctor was kind, and he gave me the raw realities of miscarraige, as well as time to process the impending miscarriage--time to process that week, that day, that hour, that moment... I wanted to miscarry then and there. It was one tough appointment. 

Here I was, I had just left the doctor, I needed to go pick up my kids, I needed to tell my husband... I didn't know when or where my body would miscarry and life must go on. I was terrified to tell my husband; I didn't want him blaming me for the miscarriage. I was scared, my hormones and emotions running wild, and spiritually, I hurt. Why, God? What are you up to?

Monday night, after seeing the kids, and Roger meeting me, I went to Kroger by myself to buy pads, and I just cried. What should I buy? Pads, Depends, what brand, it was so overwhelming...I walked out and walked down to the local CVS. I talked to the pharmacist; they were not very helpful. So I bought my son a package of pull ups since they were on sale, and I walked back down to Kroger. I then called my Uncle Forest, since he cares for my Auntie Barb, and I asked him those girl questions... What to buy? He gave me recommendations and I walked out with some Always brand underwear. I knew that our baby could pass at any day or time, now when? I knew there would be large painful clots of blood. I knew I would go into labor at some unknown time and date. 

Tuesday morning, I got up and went to work. I wore my special panties I had bought at Kroger, and I mustered the strength I needed to be there--thankfully my students were testing. I told the VP, and my department head, in case I needed to leave quickly, as the time of the miscarriage would be unknown. I was hugged and cared for. And went on about my day. Tuesday, I picked up the kids as normal, after work. I had a moment to tell my MIL, separate from my FIL, and I told her at that time. That evening I put on my "old lady panties" as well. I waited in agony for when that moment of miscarriage would happen.

RC3 had a scheduled doctors appointment on Wednesday, at the downtown medical center.


I took AJ to Nana and Papa Bobo's, and then RC3 and I went downtown and met Roger at the appointment.


No signs of impending labor at that time. After the appointment, we walked to the car, in the parking garage. I drove from the garage to the pay station and gate, and then to the area, where it was light. I told Roger he needed to drive, I was cramping very badly. We switched places, Roger drove to the Black Walnut in Rice Village. I realized I was contracting, and needed to be alone. The boys went inside and ate, while I sat in a parking garage alone.

I called my Mom, as the contractions got strong; I started to sweat, shake, and breath very methodically, through each contraction. I felt like I was dilated to an 8 or 9. With RC3s birth and Abby Jane's, I went from no signs of labor, to holding my children in 2 hours 40 minutes, and 3 hours even, respectively. This third birth was no different. I passed major blood clots while the boys were eating. When they came back, we went to Roger's office, and then drove back to The Woodlands.

We went to the bus barn, Roger picked up his car, and Roger and RC3 went on to RC3s speech intake appointment. I went home to shower and change clothes. I kept praying that God would allow me to hold our baby. I was now 9 weeks 5 days. (Almost 10 weeks pregnant, 1/4 of a pregnancy.) In the shower, I felt the urge to squat, and I did. At 2:45 pm, our baby was born, while I squatted in the shower. I gave him (I think our child was a boy, we will find out someday...) his first bath, and held him. I took some pictures , and then saved his body in case Roger wanted to see our son (or daughter). After showering, I placed our son in the fridge, in a Pyrex container. I didn't know what to do with the body. This was my child. Our child. God's child.

I left and met Roger and RC3 at his speech intake appointment. The appointment was fine.  I tried to act like it was a normal day, while inside I was hurting. That night I went to bed, scared, lonely, confused...Clinging to Christ, that's all I could do.

Thursday morning, I had a work training. I got up and put on my "old lady panties" and off I went. I was now going through post partum bleeding, and didn't want to ruin my pretty panties. The training was fine, and upon returning to my campus, and speaking with my VP, she sent me to a counselor as soon as I told her I had given birth to our baby. God protected me, and gave me Christian people in place to love and care for me.

I spoke with the counselor most of the afternoon, then came back to my classroom to prepare Fridays lesson. Once finished, I went and picked up our children. I cared for our children as normal and tried to sit and talk with Roger that evening; he was not ready.

On Friday morning I had a name for our son. Asher John Craig. He was born two days prior on the 28 October 2015, at 2:45pm. Asher means God gives us happiness and John meaning God is gracious and merciful, two things that ring true to Asher John's pregnancy and birth. Roger seemed okay with the name. I needed to name our child, he did not share the same needs during this time of grieving.

At work on Friday, I was thankful for hugs from my students, kids who said they missed me, and understanding people, men and women alike. Women who hugged me, and men who felt my pain. I shared with those I felt led to share with and was thankful for the people who prayed with and for me. I felt led to share the picture of Asher John with one of my students. He looked at me and said, "Mrs. Craig, he's smiling. He's so happy."


My parents came Friday night. They hugged me and cried with me. Saturday morning, Roger took RC3 to his physical therapy intake, and Mom, Dad, Abby Jane and I held and buried Asher John Craig. My father prayed, we read Exodus 34:4-9, buried our baby, and then we prayed again.

Exodus 34:4-9New American Standard Bible (NASB)
So he cut out two stone tablets like the former ones, and Moses rose up early in the morning and went up to Mount Sinai, as the Lord had commanded him, and he took two stone tablets in his hand. The Lord descended in the cloud and stood there with him as [a]he called upon the name of the Lord. Then the Lord passed by in front of him and proclaimed, “The Lord, the Lord God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and [b]truth; who keeps lovingkindness for thousands, who forgives iniquity, transgression and sin; yet He will by no means leave the guilty unpunished, visiting the iniquity of fathers on the children and on the grandchildren to the third and fourth generations.” Moses made haste [c]to bow low toward the earth and worship. He said, “If now I have found favor in Your sight, O Lord, I pray, let the Lord go along in our midst, even though [d]the people are so obstinate, and pardon our iniquity and our sin, and take us as Your own[e]possession.”

That afternoon, Mom and I bought a hydrangea, one of my favorite flowers. I will plant the hydrangea in honor of Asher John Craig. (Picture to come later.) 

Sunday morning we sang Holy, Holy, Holy, one of the last hymns I sang with my Grandfather, before he passed. This was both difficult and healing for me.

Miscarriage is brutally painful. I know the first person Asher John saw was Jesus Christ, and that gives me hope. It does not take away the pain of the forfeited relationship, opportunities, and dreams. Miscarriage cannot be fixed, it can only be carried. I am so thankful for the many people who have done two simple things...they have acknowledged my pain and they have stood here with me. Whether they understood or not, they hugged me, gave me time and room to process, and most importantly, acknowledged my pain. I am extremely blessed by the many prayers, scriptures, and songs given, as I carry this grief.


God has protected my body. It continues to heal. God has been gracious and merciful. Asher John Craig is with Him, forever.

When I showed RC3 a picture of Asher John, he  said, "look a bird." I didn't mean to show him the picture, but that's alright. Roger was right on, he pointed me to Christ in that simple moment. I am so thankful for Roger, Roger III (RC3), and Abby Jane.

If you want to see pictures of Asher John please scroll down and look.

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