Shattered Dreams...

On 23 Jan 2010, in my post, Tough Questions I'm wrestling with..., I posed the following questions:

• When my dreams of teaching missionary kids in Ukraine, at KCA are shattered, how do I react?
• Do I love God, more than my dreams of returning to Ukraine?
• Am I willing to be redirected by Him?

I continue to struggle with this, although in a somewhat different way. After having your dreams and plans shattered, it is hard to dream again. I had great plans and ideas, but now I question any thoughts, plans, or ideas that I had or even have now.

I read a quote today that made me think about my life particularly. "You know...my whole life I have been complaining that my work was constantly interrupted, until I discovered that those interruptions were my work." --Henri Nouwen

God uses me in these blips and in these interruptions to plans, dreams, thoughts, ideas, but none the less, it's still hard to pick up the pieces and dream again. What are your dreams? Thoughts? Desires? Ideas? How is God using you? How do you react when your dreams are shattered? Do you dream again--or do you dream again with caution/stipulation?

Half Birthday Ponderings

My half birthday is today--12 February. This is also Kiri and Anya's (my best friends from Elementary school) full birthday. In the past 6 months many changes have occurred; I have listed some in no particular order:

• I could barely walk 2 meters, now I can run 13,000 meters
• I moved to Ukraine, and then I moved back to Texas
• I was extremely sick, and now I am fairly healthy (?--maybe)
• I lost 30 lbs
  
• I was in a dating relationship, and now I am not
• I went from being confident in my faith, to realizing how little faith I have, and how much I need God to persist and overcome obstacles in my life
  
• I was excited for the upcoming year, and now I just want a clear diagnosis and to be healthy and "normal" again...excited, not so much, anymore
  

How has your life changed in the past six months? What has made you stop, think, and reflect? How is your life different than it was or you thought it would be?

Heart Ultrasound

Due to my labile blood pressures and extremely high heart rates this summer, my cardiologist ran a ECG. This test was relatively easy, and required no blood work! It did require a gown and some gel--the technician warmed the gel, which was nice. Results: No abnormal findings. I have a good heart.

God is using me!

John 9:1-3
As He passed by, He saw a man blind from birth. And His disciples asked Him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?" Jesus answered, "It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him.

The verse above gives me peace...to appropriate it to me personally--Who sinned, this woman, or her parents, that she would be given all these health problems? It was neither Faith that sinned, nor her parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in her. God is using me. :)

Serving Christ and being obedient is not easy; it costs a person greatly. Notice I did not say it cost a person greatly, it costs a person greatly. There is not one risk, there are risks involved in serving our Lord, and Saviour.

• What can I do to serve someone that cannot repay?
• Knowing it costs me dearly to give up my life to serve, as I give the best as a sacrifice, why do I continue?
• The results are eternal; where is your treasure?

1 Samuel 15:22
Samuel said, “Has the LORD as much delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice”

Current theme: Obedience

For the past month in a half, I have heard the same message preached and testimony given. Obedience--God honours obedience and He does mighty works through people that are obedient.

This brings me to my first question. How may I be obedient to Christ?

When I live by faith, I obey--I do exactly what God says, when He tells me to. True faith in God is a relationship of obedience, rooted in love, to Godhead--God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. To obey God, I must know God, and to know God, I study His word and pray. As I seek Gods will for my life, He finds me, and tells me His will; it is not a secret. The seeking is not easy and stepping out in faith--obeying Christ challenges me as well, although I have learned that God is always faithful.

1 Corinthians 3:7-8

So then neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but God who causes the growth. Now he who plants and he who waters are one; but each will receive his own reward according to his own labor.

It is God who makes things grow. I am to be obedient--planting and watering as told. This brings me to my second question--Who is sitting on the throne of my life and heart? My health? Who am I obedient to? God did not create me to sit dormant, rather He created me to glorify Him! Is my health keeping me from wanting to jump again?

And the third question. Will I serve God? Will I serve God with thanksgiving and praise? God has placed me here in San Antonio, Texas, because he wants me here. This is not for me to decide, or for me to argue with. I am to embrace where God has placed me and serve Him with thanksgiving and praise--this includes at the doctors office, in Russian class, as I tutor children, during bible study, and when I am at home. God has given me this time here.

Serving Christ in Ukraine, as I had originally thought for does not look like as planned. What I do know is that it gives God pleasure as I surrender my life to Him, and as I choose to serve Him with thanksgiving and joy. It's about being willing to have my steps redirected. This is not easy, and it is a painful process. In closing I would like to share this hymn with you. I challenge you to think about these words and how they apply to your life.

Take my Life and Let it Be

Frances, R. Havergal, February 1874

Take my life, and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee.

Take my moments and my days; let them flow in ceaseless praise.

Take my hands, and let them move at the impulse of Thy love.

Take my feet, and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice, and let me sing always, only, for my King.

Take my lips, and let them be filled with messages from Thee.

Take my silver and my gold; not a mite would I withhold.

Take my intellect, and use every power as Thou shalt choose.

Take my will, and make it Thine; it shall be no longer mine.

Take my heart, it is Thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne.

Take my love, my Lord, I pour at Thy feet its treasure store.

Take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.

Mobile Blogger Test

This is a test. This blog fullafaith.blogspot.com is conducting a test of the mobile blogger. This is only a test. :)

Encouragement and recognition

Coming home is never easy. Tonight at the Global Impact Celebration (GIC) Dinner, the Directing Pastor, Charles Anderson, recognized the difficulty in a very meaningful way. The GIC is a time of celebration for the church--we celebrate the missionaries the church supports that share the gospel throughout the world. At the end of the presentations from the missionaries, we stood up to lay hands on missionaries that were at tables near us. I was fortunate to be sitting at the table with Setan Lee. I was honoured to lay hands on this great man of God. :)

By the time I stood up, Charles was already laying hands on Setan Lee, and when I got up to join Charles, he said, "This includes missionaries at home," and walked behind me, and layed his hand on me. I started to cry.

I am reminded of the time that my senior pastor asked me to pray for him. Not only that, he wouldn't let me go until I prayed for him. All I could think was, "I am so unworthy, why does he want me to pray for him?" Little did I know that instances like that would teach me how to pray for others.

I received so much encouragement tonight, by various people! The greatest part of all was the recognition that I am still a missionary, just relocated. I love the quote that says, "Either you are a missionary, or you need a missionary." It's not easy to say that you're a missionary stateside, when your heart is in Ukraine. God is faithful. I'm banking on that! :)

Brain MRI/MRA w/ and w/o contrast

My Brain MRI/MRA w/ and w/o contrast was by far one of the easier tests for me. I am getting used to different tests, scans, and bloodworks. My appointment was set for 2:25pm--I was seen at 2:23pm to begin the process of the scans--impressive.

• I was smart and wore no jewelry (except for my watch, which I did have to take off). I was also sure to wear a dress, with a built in bra...that meant I did not have to wear a gown!
• Once in the room, I laid down on the sliding bed, placing my head on a raised platform with a pillow. The technician made sure that my head was facing straight up, and then he put something over my head. When I looked up, I could see right through the cage looking thing, and I could not turn my head, so what it looked like on the sides, I have no clue. Perceptions can be nice. Luckily, I am not claustrophobic like my mother. Being in the machine was not a problem for me.
• The bed moved my upper body into the machine and test started. I just laid there. I laughed at one point, becasue the sounds are so funny! I felt like I was in the middle of a rap movie.
• They had to redo that set of scans. Oops! :( Laughing makes the brain move and I was supposed to lay still.
• After what felt like an eternity of laying still, 14 cc's of gadolinium (contrast), was injected intravenously. I did not cry! I took it in my body. Unlike the abdominal MRI, this time the gadolinium was painful to my elbow, but did not make my entire body go flush. It was a much lesser amount used, and injected at a much slower rate.
• The scans continued and after a while longer, I was done. For the next two days, my elbow was sore off and on, and my muscles were incredible sore from the gadolinium. Oh well. I continue to drink lots of water!

My results--all is normal in the brain. I do not have an aneurysm. I do have some sinus disease. Maybe allergy? We are looking into it.

I thought you might want to see a picture of my brain. So here's a couple for your viewing pleasure. It has been confirmed, I have a brain! :)

Tough Questions I'm wrestling with...

These past few months have led me to wrestle with my faith, and not whether or not I believe in God, that's not the struggle for me. I struggle with, "Will God do as He promises?" I am struggling with my lack of belief; I am struggling with my broken dreams and desires; I am struggling with continuing to be faithful during this unsure time in my life.

My mother shared the following devotional with me recently--I was brought to tears.

At the age of 16, pianist Leon Fleisher made his formal debut at Carnegie Hall with the New York Philharmonic. He went on to win prestigious international competitions and played in the world’s finest concert halls. But at the age of 37, Fleisher was struck with dystonia, a neurological condition that crippled his right hand. After a period of despondency and withdrawal, he turned to teaching and conducting, because, as he said, he loved music more than he loved the piano.

When our dreams are shattered, how do we react? After Joseph, the favored son of Jacob, was sold as a slave by his brothers (Gen. 37:12-36), he could have given in to self-pity and self-indulgence. Instead, Joseph remained true to the Lord. Four times in Genesis 39, we read that “the Lord was with” Joseph (vv.2-3,21,23), and his actions revealed his own faithfulness to God. By his exemplary life, those he served in Egypt recognized God’s presence with him.

Do we love God more than our own dreams? Although Joseph must have grieved the loss of his past and what his life could have been, the Lord led him to a calling he had never imagined. Today, the Lord longs to lead us. Are we willing to be redirected by Him? — David C. McCasland

My cherished plans may go astray,
My hopes may fade away;
But still I’ll trust my Lord to lead,
For He doth know the way. —Overton

A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. —Proverbs 16:9

And then I realized, I needed to continue to think, pray, and wrestle with the following questions.

• When my dreams of teaching missionary kids in Ukraine, at KCA are shattered, how do I react?
• Do I love God, more than my dreams of returning to Ukraine?
• Am I willing to be redirected by Him?

This time in my life continues to be a challenge. And I continue to think back on the Word, what scripture promises, as well as the words of love and encouragement people have given me. One of the greatest blessings is that my monthly supporters are still supporting me. I was very scared that my financial support would stop, and I would be left on the wayside.

I am teaching a women's bible study on Mark. The memory verse I chose for the women was:

Mark 1:41
Moved with compassion, Jesus stretched out His hand and touched him, and said to him, "I am willing; be cleansed."

I love this verse for multiple reasons.

• God was moved with compassion
• Jesus physically did something, he stretched out his hand and touched him
• God is willing

I'm trying to believe that God is willing and wants to heal me at some point also--whether it be through doctors or miraculously. In case you were wondering, they memorized the verse! Success! :)

Cardiologist Appt

Two and sometimes three appointments in one day is never fun, but that's how I seem to schedule them. My first appointment was with the ophthalmologist. Due to my increased blood pressures, and genetics, I went in for a visual field test. I am thankful that I only have some slight hemorrhaging in my right eye, and the visual field turned out normal. My ophthalmologist also dilated my eyes and checked my pressures.

My second appointment was with the cardiologist, due to my librating blood pressures. Once again, I went through all of the symptoms, as well as family history. Shortly after starting the exam, the cardiologist looked at my eyes, and his demeanor very quickly changed to concern. My Mom then interjected, "Faith just had her eyes dilated this morning!" And he thought that he might have to disclose that I was enjoying some drugs. Hahah! I guess you had to see the look on the cardiologist face; it was priceless!

My great grandfather, my grandmother, most likely my uncle, and possibly my sister have either died or had surgery on a barry form aneurysm of the brain. Next week, I will be going in for a Brain MRI/MRA. Yes, another MRI, with and without contrast, this time of the brain, as opposed to the abdominal. Thank God I'm not claustrophobic. We would like to rule this out.

The cardiologist is determined to find a clear diagnosis for me. :) He says my case is fun, interesting, exciting, and challenging!

In the meantime, as I continue to go through a battery of tests, I am thankful for the blessings God continues to shower upon me through so many amazing people!

Keep Jesus on the Throne of life

I shared with you one of my favourite hymns a couple weeks ago; today I am sharing one of my favourite songs, Rhonda Vincent's, "Keep Your Feet on the Ground."

But whenever things get really tough, I think back on the times.
When I was just a girl and Dad would say.

Keep your feet on the ground, what goes up must come down.
And solitaire's a lonely game when there's no one else around.
Keep Jesus on the Throne of life no matter where you're bound.
He will always help you keep your feet upon the ground.

The past few months have been a roller coaster, to say the least. Life is tough; I must cling onto Jesus, who will always help me keep my feet upon the ground! I do not know what is next, nor do I know when, or what the diagnosis will be. What I do know is God is here and ever present.

Health Update

As the days go by, my body seems to be healing, but there is still something wrong. Over Christmas holiday, I went to Taos Ski Valley, NM, with my family. On the way home, my blood pressure spiked, quite a bit. Was this from altitude? Elevation? Going to the washroom?

Upon arriving back in San Antonio, I did another 24-hour urine, and blood work, at the endocrinologist. I also went to the family doctor, where I had an EKG and some more blood work done. All tests have turned out normal. I fear waiting for the 24-hour urine, and not doing it during the drive home was a bad choice. As far as the blood work, same thing, it was too late. At the family doctor, he was just checking some numbers that had been previously high...and now they are normal--that is good news.

Due to my spiking blood pressures (which spike both high and low), and a normal EKG, I am going to be seeing a cardiologist.

Please continue to pray for a clear diagnosis. I do not enjoy being a medical mystery. One benefit...I am getting pretty good at doing one of my most hated things--going to the doctor!

Be Thou My Vision

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise:
be thou mine inheritance now and always;
be thou and thou only the first in my heart;
O Sovereign of heaven, my treasure thou art.

This has been one of my favourite hymns for years--the words so simple, yet so true. How often do you just want someone to say "Good job!" or "Way to go" or "I just love that", etc. God does not tell us to seek the attention of man. We should not be doing things, simply for praise from other people.

In Psalm 90:17 it says, "Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us; And confirm for us the work of our hands. Yes, confirm the work of our hands." Isn't Gods blessing on what we do so much sweeter than mans? How often do we forget to ask God and just seek the opinion of other people?

That being said, writing a blog, and keeping up with it regularly is quite difficult for me. I do not have a hard time writing, or sharing opinions, or even sharing snipits of my life; I do want to know that man (people) not only read what I write, but like and accept what I have to say. I want you to leave comments and reactions, not just tell me that you read my blog sometimes. I want confirmation that I'm not just doing this in vain.

I keep this blog to glorify God, not for my own good--otherwise I would've stopped writing a long time ago. My theme is "Let me tell you what great things God is doing" for a reason. I want to share with you Gods greatness in hopes that we can glorify Him together! :)